


Better Off

by Tailor1971



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anniversary, Anxiety, Fantasy elements, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Husbands, It's a Wonderful Life, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:09:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26590417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tailor1971/pseuds/Tailor1971
Summary: David lets his anxiety get the best of him on his first wedding anniversary, and convinces himself that Patrick would have been better off if they had never met. That night a handsome stranger appears and gives him the opportunity to see what life would be like if David and Patrick hadn’t met and fallen in love.Very loosely inspired by “It’s a Wonderful Life.” There’s a little humor, a fair amount of angst, and a happy ending with some David/Patrick fluff.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 32
Kudos: 132





	Better Off

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a rumination on love and the way in which, just by being alive, we can have a profound effect on the lives of those around us. 
> 
> But its easy to lose sight of this. Sometimes we all need a little reminder.
> 
> I don’t know how to live here  
> I don’t know how to not feel alone  
> You give me so much love  
> I give you trouble  
> All that you’ve gone and built I only turn to rubble
> 
> Now that we both know  
> It’s plain to see  
> You’re better off without me
> 
> \- Jack Savorettl “Better off without me”

All David wanted was for their first anniversary to be perfect. Was that really too much to ask for?

It started off well enough, with Patrick softly kissing him awake while the first rays of morning sunlight lit up his auburn hair and made his highlights gleam like burnished brass. His lids still hung heavily over his whiskey-colored eyes as he nuzzled David’s cheek, waiting patiently for him to wake up. “Happy Anniversary, David,” he whispered, his lips grazing the shell of David’s ear. “I love you.”

Patrick was always the most beautiful in the morning, perfect in his vulnerable imperfection, his short hair sticking up in cowlicks, his otherwise flawless pale skin temporarily marked by pillow creases, his gaze dopey and unfocused as he cuddled with David. On the rare occasions when David woke up first he would prop himself up on an elbow and fondly watch Patrick as he slept. These were the only times he would see Patrick wearing his blue “nose thing” and mouthguard, two sleep accessories “old David” would have used as an excuse to bolt at the first opportunity. But “new David” understood the level of trust and intimacy it took for Patrick to wear them as he slept next to him, and that realization gave David a pleasant ache in his heart, the ache that came from being overwhelmed by a love he still didn’t quite comprehend.

They shared an unhurried breakfast of bacon, eggs, and blueberry pancakes. While David was finishing his coffee, he whined, “Can’t we just close the shop today and have the day to ourselves?”

Patrick sighed and shook his head. “As much as I would love to take the day off and stay in bed with you all morning, it’s important that we only close the store for emergencies. Having consistent hours is…”

“Good for customer loyalty. I know. But it’s our anniversary. What if we have a sex emergency?” David waggled his eyebrows, even though he realized that was one of his worst attempts at seduction yet.

“Sex emergency?” Patrick said, gritting his teeth. “I don’t know if that’s something we want to put out into the universe. But, we still have half an hour before we have to leave. If we’re quick, we can take the edge off before we shower.”

“Or while we shower?”

“Deal.” 

While warm water cascaded down their bodies, they stroked each other leisurely using one of David’s silky body washes for lubricant. Patrick came first, clinging to David and calling his name while he shuddered in his arms. When he regained his composure he moved behind David, hugging him to his body and stroking him while his free hand roamed over his chest, playing with each nipple before settling lightly over David’s throat as he dropped his head back and slipped over the edge. Then they were laughing and washing up as quickly as possible as the water started to run cold.

On the drive to work, they rolled the windows down and sang along to one of David’s love song playlists. He watched as Patrick sang, and laughed, and smiled whenever he stole a quick glance at David. It reminded him of lyrics from a Taylor Swift song:

_I think about summer, all the beautiful times,_

_I watched you laughing from the passenger side._

_I realized I loved you in the fall._

But that was a silly thought, because those words weren’t part of a love song; they were part of a break-up song, and imbued with regret.

_And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind._

_You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye._

David gave his head a little shake to center himself in the present moment. He reached across the center console and rested his hand on Patrick’s thigh. Before long, they were both doing abysmal Britney Spears impersonations as they sang “Baby One More Time.” Surprisingly, even with the sexy time in the shower, they were only ten minutes late when they finally parked in the small lot behind the Apothecary.

Patrick unlocked the front door to the store and froze as soon as he opened it. David started to ask him what was wrong, but Patrick just held up a finger and leaned forward, listening intently. “Do you hear dripping?” Before David could answer, Patrick had rushed in to turn on the lights. Near the back of the store, a steady trickle of water was falling from the ceiling. It was splashing into a bucket underneath that had long since overflowed onto the floor. A small puddle was spreading outward from the bucket. Patrick covered his mouth and looked up to see a dark stain on the ceiling. “Fuck! David, go grab the mop and the bucket! That’s gotta be one of the pipes to the upstairs bathroom.” 

David felt a wave of anxiety wash over him as he ran to the backroom. The leak hadn’t been this bad yesterday when he first noticed it. He was going to call the plumber but kept getting distracted by customers. By the end of the day he had completely forgotten about it. _Patrick saw the bucket. He’ll know I didn’t address the leak when I covered the store yesterday. He had a day off and now he has to come back to a problem. He’s going to be pissed._ David sighed and tried to keep his breathing steady. All he could do now was grab the mop and start cleaning up the mess. 

When he came out of the backroom with the mop and pail, Patrick was standing under the leak on a step ladder. “David, can you come over here and empty that bucket?” David jogged over and emptied the small bucket into the larger yellow mop pail. “Hand it back,” Patrick said, extending his hand with an impatient waving gesture. He took the bucket and held it under one of the ceiling tiles while he tentatively pushed up on its corner. A stream of dirty water flowed into the bucket. Clearly the pipe had been leaking for a while.

Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Patrick asked “Can you please call the plumber and tell him we have a pipe leak that needs to be looked at as soon as possible? I’ll start mopping up.”

David nodded without saying a word. Patrick was speaking with a clipped tone and was clearly angry. Actually, he was _livid_. David could see the flush coloring his ears. He turned without saying another word and busied himself with looking for the number to the plumber. He knew his name was Keith but he hadn’t called him since they had first opened. After he’d scheduled the appointment (if you could call it that - “I can be there sometime in the next two hours” sounded more like a suggestion than an appointment), he went back to see how he could help.

Patrick was mopping, but once David was standing next to him he rested his chin and hands on the top of the mop handle. “When did you first realize that water was dripping from the ceiling?” Patrick gave the plastic bucket a small kick, causing the water that had already collected in it to slosh against the side.

David winced. “Yesterday afternoon. It was just a little drip though. I was going to…”

Patrick interrupted him. “I don’t need any excuses, David. We’re really lucky. There’s water damage for sure, but if that pipe had burst overnight we probably would’ve had to close the store for a while. You need to be more proactive about stuff like this. I can’t be here every hour of every day.”

“I know, I’m sorry, it’s just…”

Patrick held up his hand. “Don’t. I’ve got this. I’ll finish cleaning up and talk to Keith when he gets here. Can you please open the store and get the cash ready?”

“Yes,” David said in a hushed voice. He just needed to give Patrick some space to cool off. They could discuss it later and everything would be okay. 

\---

A few hours later the angry silence that had settled between Patrick and David started to dissipate. The plumber had come and gone, and fortunately the repair needed was indeed relatively minor. The damaged ceiling tiles had been removed and taken to the dumpster out back. David was not pleased that there was now a gaping hole in the ceiling, but he wasn’t about to voice that concern. He could live with it for a week or two while they waited for the replacement tiles to arrive. 

He and Patrick talked while they ate lunch. David apologized for letting the problem go unresolved overnight. Patrick nudged David’s knee with his own. “It’ll be okay. I’m just relieved that it wasn’t more serious. I’m sorry I was short with you.” David nodded, and that was it. Everything seemed to be resolved. They even started bantering playfully about the new hemorrhoid cream that David had put on the sales floor yesterday afternoon. 

Although the whole pipe drama seemed to be genuinely over and done with, a sense of dread lingered around David like a misty fog. The crazy image that flitted through his mind was straight out of a horror movie. It seemed calm now, but at any moment a slimy, tentacled beast could come lurching out of that fog and drag him back into the darkness. And about an hour later, that’s exactly what happened...except the tentacled beast was actually one of their more pleasant neighbors, a local potter named Lila.

He was in the back of the store, rearranging the tables and merchandise that had been crudely pushed to the side so that the plumber could get to the leaking pipe. The bell over the door jangled and David half-listened to the conversation between Patrick and Lila. 

_“Jocelyn told me it was you and David’s one year anniversary!”_

_“That’s right.”_

_“Gosh, that went by quickly! Are you and David thinking about having kids?”_

David’s breath caught in his throat. The question blindsided him. He stopped what he was doing so that he could clearly hear Patrick’s answer. 

_“Oh, no. David and I decided not to have children. We’re really looking forward to being uncles for Alexis’s children, though. And we babysit Rollie from time to time.”_

_David and I decided_. He cringed. The reality was that David made it clear he did not want children, and Patrick went along with that. David was never really convinced, though, that this was the choice Patrick would have made with a different partner. He honestly seemed to like children, and he was good with them; calm, and mindful, and affectionate. He would have made a great dad.

When the bell rang again, signalling Lila’s exit, David looked up and saw Patrick grinning back at him. He gave a small smile in return. The difference was that Patrick’s smile was joyous, and David’s smile was rueful.

\---

The rest of the afternoon was fairly quiet. David could not stop watching the clock. He was desperate to get away from the store with its leaky pipe, its well-meaning but prying customers, and the myriad petty annoyances that were making it really difficult to just enjoy his anniversary with his husband. 

Once they were seated in a booth at their favorite Italian restaurant, David started to relax a bit. He could feel some of the tension draining from his shoulders as he and Patrick enjoyed some wine and held hands. The conversation was easy, with no mention of work. So it caught David off-guard when Patrick swallowed a mouthful of ravioli and stated, with no preamble whatsoever, “I think we should expand.”

David cocked his head to the side. “Expand? You mean the shop?”

“Yeah. We’ve been open almost four years. We might not be raking it in, but we’ve been consistently turning a profit the last two years. We should expand to new markets. Maybe start with something like an option to order online. Eventually, we should consider opening another brick-and-mortar in a bigger town like Elmdale. It would be really conducive to the growth of the business.”

David’s head was spinning. That was a lot of information to take in. It made sense, of course. The Apothecary was successful. Successful businesses grow so that they become more successful. But this was the first time David had given any thought to expanding. Making the business bigger would mean more work, more stress, more risk. He was completely content with what they had right now. But for the first time since they opened the Apothecary he entertained the possibility that maybe Patrick _wasn’t_ happy and satisfied with what they had built. Maybe Patrick was destined for grander things than a general store in a podunk town. 

David didn’t know what to say, and in the end it was his silence that spoke for him. Patrick chuckled softly and looked at him with such affection that it almost brought tears to David’s eyes. “I’m sorry, babe. We shouldn’t be talking about this tonight. I thought it might be exciting to talk about the future, but it’s a big decision. Take your time and think it over.”

He was pensive for the rest of dinner, letting Patrick carry the conversation. When Patrick clasped his hand, brought it to his lips for a kiss, and with an impish grin asked “Are you ready to go home?” David perked up a little. 

“Yeah. Take me home, Patrick.” He smiled, eager to be alone with his lover.

Patrick took his time when they were finally in bed, naked and warm. He kissed and caressed every part of David’s body, so when he finally pressed inside of him David felt cherished. He hugged his arms and legs around Patrick, encouraging him to thrust deeper, to erase any space that existed between them. As Patrick moved inside of him, making love to his husband, David felt joy. But another emotion moved under the surface as well. Anxiety, the thief of joy, had invaded David’s home and was robbing him of happiness, even as he cried out in ecstasy. Even as he felt Patrick’s warm breath at his ear as he whispered “ _I was meant for you_ ” and came inside of him.

Afterwards, Patrick lay against his chest and drifted to sleep, his breathing becoming deep and steady. David hugged him closer as tears started to roll down his cheeks. The anxious thoughts from the day crowded up against the edges of his consciousness, pushing their way to the forefront. _Patrick is always cleaning up my messes. Patrick gave up his dream of a family because of me. I am holding Patrick back from something bigger. It’s because of me that he won’t reach his full potential._

He was spiraling, and he knew it but couldn’t stop. His dark thoughts were coalescing into a quicksand, relentless in its suction, pulling him down even as he struggled against it.

_Patrick didn’t get to experience other men. Had he been so blinded by falling in love with the first man he dated that he settled without giving any thought to what he might be giving up? Patrick could have any man he wanted. Surely there was a man out there who was better suited for him, someone patient, and kind, who would share his love of beer and baseball. Someone who wasn’t a high-strung, high-maintenance drama queen that served as a source of constant frustration._

He was slipping beneath the surface, and as the darkness closed in around him, he found himself suffocating under the weight of a deep certainty.

_Patick would have been better off if we never met._

With a final sob that he tried unsuccessfully to choke back, David squeezed his eyes closed and willed himself to fall asleep. He tried to focus on his breathing, tried to match it to the steady rise and fall of Patrick’s chest. After several minutes, his jagged breathing evened out and he was able to fall asleep.

\---

David awoke with a start to find himself standing next to the bed. It was clearly still the middle of the night - he could see the blackness of midnight outside the window - yet the room was illuminated with a lambent, sourceless light. This was not the same room in which he had fallen asleep. Gone was his tasteful and expertly chosen decor, replaced with furnishings he could only describe as tacky. The walls were painted a questionable shade of pastel green more suitable for a hospital than a bedroom. In place of his framed photograph of the cherry blossoms from his trip to Japan was a poster of a cat clinging to a clothesline with the phrase _Hang in there, Baby!_ written across the bottom in Comic Sans. Was he in hell?

Seeing that two strangers were asleep in the bed next to him was surprising enough, but it was the stunningly attractive man standing in the corner that really captured David’s attention. The man said nothing; he just watched patiently as David adjusted to his surroundings. David found it a little puzzling that he didn’t feel any fear, just a deep sense of bewilderment. When the man didn’t make any attempt to explain his presence, David huffed in annoyance and asked “What the fuck? Who are all you people?”

“I’m Kariel,” the man said, his voice rich and melodic. “You could say I’m your guardian angel.”

“ _You could say_?” David’s voice raised in pitch. “What does that mean? Are you my guardian angel or not?”

Kariel just smiled. “Well, technically I’m the benevolent daimon who oversees the unfolding of your fate in this incarnation.”

“I don’t know what that means,” David said quietly, grimacing and shaking his head.

“So we can go with guardian angel, then?” 

David rolled his eyes and made a small _tsk_ sound. “Fine. To be honest, I’m a little surprised that my guardian angel is a man.”

“Actually, I’m neither a man nor a woman. I’m just appearing in a form that would be pleasing to you.”

“And you picked a man? That’s very presumptuous of you.” David crossed his arms over his chest and threw his head back a little.

“Oh, I just took the form of your most recent sexual fantasy,” Kariel said, looking down at his body appraisingly. “If I had to guess, I would say I have Ryan Gosling’s eyes, Ryan Reynolds’s body, and Ryan Seacrest’s hair. You do love a theme, don’t you?”

“O-kay. I’m feeling very judged right now. I think that’s enough for the introductions. Now can you tell me who the fuck these people are?” David gestured toward the people asleep in the bed. “Hello! Get out of our bedroom!”

“They can’t hear you, by the way.” Kariel took a few steps forward, closing the distance between him and David. “This is Michael and Jenny. They own the cottage.”

David took a step backward and held his hands up in front of him. He wanted to keep a little distance between himself and the handsome interloper who claimed to be an angel. “No, that’s incorrect. Patrick and I own the cottage.”

“You don’t, though.”

“What are you talking about? We bought it before we got married.” David felt for his wedding band and found that it wasn’t there. Panicking, he looked at his right hand and saw that Patrick’s gold rings were gone as well. In their place he was wearing his silver rings. “What’s going on? Where’s Patrick? _What did you do_?”

“You were convinced that Patrick would be better off if you two hadn’t met,” Kariel said gently. “So I made that happen for you.”

“ _What?”_ David was practically screaming. “I have a random thought one night and you, what, magically rearrange my life?”

“It was more than a random thought, David. This is an insecurity you’ve been harboring for a long time. Tonight, it became a certainty in your mind.”

Kariel’s words cut David deeply. He was speaking the truth, as much as David hated to admit it. He had fallen asleep firmly believing that Patrick’s life would have been better without him in it. “So, what exactly are you saying?”

“You and Patrick aren’t married now. In fact, you’ve never even met.”

“How is that even possible? We live in a town with, like, fifteen people in it.” David felt his knees giving out from under him so he slumped against his nightstand. (No, it was Michael’s nightstand.) 

“It took so much work on my part to bring you two lost souls together the first time, but it was surprisingly easy to make sure you didn’t meet.” Kariel paused, as if he was waiting for David to guess how he had done it. When David just looked at him expectantly, Kariel continued. “I just had Will and Theresa cancel their appointment.”

“Who the hell are Will and Theresa?”

“The young couple who had an appointment for their engagement photos the afternoon you went to file your incorporation paperwork. Once they cancelled, Ray didn’t have any overlapping appointments, so he gave Patrick the day off to go hiking.”

David vividly remembered everything that had happened that afternoon. He walked in and saw Ray guiding a young couple - Will and Theresa, apparently - into awkward positions and snapping photos that he would eventually composite onto a series of ridiculous backgrounds. Ray made David take a number, B13, even though he was the only other person in the office. He remembered the butterflies that fluttered in his stomach when he first saw Patrick’s smile and handed him the small paper ticket.

A year later the torn and faded B13 ticket fell out of Patrick’s wallet at the cafe. Patrick blushed and admitted that he had saved the ticket because he wanted to remember the moment he first met David. 

“There was no B13 ticket, David,” Kariel said, interrupting his reverie.

David pressed his fists against his temples in frustration. “Great, you can read minds, too?”

Kariel smirked. “Not always. You just think really loudly.” 

David narrowed his eyes and tried to stare Kariel down. 

“ _Lick a battery_?” Kariel asked incredulously, rubbing his chin with his fingers. “That’s a new one, and frankly not your best work. But thinking up new insults is getting us a little sidetracked”

David sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “So I never met Patrick.”

“No, Ray handled all of the paperwork for your business license.”

“Business license,” David repeated. If he had never met Patrick, that meant that he started Rose Apothecary by himself. He couldn’t imagine what the business would look like if Patrick hadn’t been a part of it every step of the way. “Can you take me to see the Apothecary?” 

Kariel held his hand out and nodded. “Turn around.”

David was confused, but he turned and found himself standing in front of the Apothecary. He stepped to the door and peered inside. The sales floor was empty. He tried the door but it was locked. He strode a few steps away and looked up to see that the Rose Apothecary sign was gone. The window decals were gone as well, replaced by a sun-bleached FOR LEASE sign.

David felt his eyes well up with tears. “What happened?”

Kariel put his arm around David’s shoulder. “You were in over your head. The Apothecary was a great idea but you hadn’t secured enough startup capital. You were able to hobble along for the first year, but sales started dropping off. Near the end of your second year you had to shutter the business.”

They had survived their first year and thrived in their second because Patrick had come up with a plan to invigorate sales. And it had been so simple. _Engage with the community. Make people feel at home in the shop._ He thought back to the first Open Mic night, when Patrick stood in front of a crowded room of people but sang directly to him. In retrospect, he knew that was the night he fell in love with Patrick.

“Without the Open Mic nights that Patrick hosted, Rose Apothecary didn’t become a beloved part of the community.” 

David shook his head and wiped the tears from his cheeks. “Come on. This is ridiculous. Schitt’s Creek is the size of a postage stamp. Patrick would’ve eventually come to the store.” He sat on the shop’s front step. “We would’ve _definitely_ met. And then he would’ve wanted to join the business. He said the business model was very innovative and it was something he wanted to be a part of.”

Kariel took a seat next to David. He put his arm around David again, and this time David leaned against him and put his head on his shoulder. “Patrick thought Rose Apothecary was a pretentious, overpriced boutique. He didn’t think there was anything of interest for him here. He didn’t understand the business model because you didn’t leave him the voicemails that explained it.”

_I didn’t have Patrick’s business card. I didn’t get high and leave him a series of rambling voicemail messages. He didn’t frame my business license and hand deliver it to the store. He didn’t work for months to secure grant money so that he could invest in the business. So that he could share my dream. So that he could make it our dream._ The reality that Patrick had been erased from his life was starting to sink in.

“What happened after we, um, I closed the store?”

“It hit you hard, David. You were lost for a while, so you started helping Stevie and your father with the motel. When the Rosebud Group started acquiring properties in the United States, you went to New York with your father to set up an international headquarters.”

Kariel helped David to his feet and put his hands on David’s shoulders. His touch was tender, and David felt at peace, despite the devastating nature of the information he was receiving. Kariel gently turned David around and they were standing in a bustling office.

“I went back to New York?” He asked it as a question, but of course it made sense. His marriage to Patrick and the Apothecary were what had kept him in Schitt’s Creek. Without either of those things, the decision to move back to New York would have been a foregone conclusion.

“You did, and you fell back into familiar patterns. Your old friends were all long gone, of course, but soon you had built a new circle of friends.”

David scanned the office and saw a door with his name on it. “I have a corner office?”

Kariel shrugged his shoulders. “Yes. Your position doesn’t really warrant it, but you know, nepotism.”

David held up his hand. “I think I can do without the editorializing, thank you.”

David cautiously approached the door. He could hear a voice behind it - he could hear _his_ voice. 

“That’s me.” David grabbed the doorknob but then hesitated. “Can I see myself, or will that cause some kind of rift in the space-time continuum, or something?”

Kariel laughed softly. “You can open the door. It’ll be okay.”

David steeled himself and then entered his office. Kariel stepped in as well and closed the door behind them. A version of David was facing toward the windows, bickering with someone on the phone. He angrily drummed his hand against the armrest of the chair while he listened to the person on the line. Finally he’d had enough and yelled, “For Christ’s sake, Richard, I don’t care how you do it. Blow the guy if you have to. Just get it fucking done!” He spun around in the chair and slammed the phone onto the receiver. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. 

“I look awful,” David mumbled, aghast. Although this new version of David was impeccably dressed and had perfectly styled hair, he looked thoroughly unhealthy. He was thinner than David had ever been, his face gaunt and angular. He rested his head on his hand and stared off into space with eyes that were sunken and dull. After a minute he started furiously shuffling papers around on his desk, mumbling and cursing to himself.

“You’re doing a lot of drugs again, David. You’ve lost faith in yourself. You don’t have a lot of money, but what you do have you spend on going out and getting high.” Kariel stepped forward and slid a piece of paper out from under a folder on the edge of new David’s desk. As soon as he saw it, new David scanned it quickly, found a phone number on it, and started another call. 

"Have I found someone yet? A boyfriend or a girlfriend?” Now that he had experienced love, David couldn’t imagine not having love in his life. He was hoping that even if this version of David didn’t have Patrick, that he at least had _someone_.

“Some nights you find a hook-up on one of your apps. You’ve dated a few people, but nothing lasts longer than a month or two. You haven’t learned to trust other people yet, so you won’t allow yourself to be vulnerable with anyone.” Kariel took one of David’s hands and held it between his own. “David, you’re hardening your heart so that it hurts less each time someone leaves. The problem is that you’re starting to not feel anything at all.”

David nodded. As truly horrible as this future scenario felt, there was also something comfortable and familiar about it. “This doesn’t surprise me. This was clearly the trajectory I was on when I first came to Schitt’s Creek. I’m a fuck-up.” He sighed with resignation. “So I was right all along. Patrick would have been better off without me.”

“Do you want to see him?”

“Yes”. He had to know that this heartbreak was worthwhile. He had to know that Patrick was happy, that he had found happiness with a better man.

Kariel opened the office door and David stepped through, finding himself in a large house. He walked through a couple of the rooms - foyer, living room, dining room, kitchen. The decor was a little predictable and boring, but it was nice enough. Overall the house felt cozy and welcoming. It felt a lot like their cottage.

David took a deep breath and shook his head. “His house is beautiful. He’s successful.”

“He is. He’s working for an up-and-coming tech company in Toronto. He’ll be the COO before the end of the year. The company is developing an app that’s going to sell for seventeen million dollars in two years. His bonus from that transaction alone will allow him to invest enough money that he’ll be able to retire early.”

“I kept him from this kind of success?” David hung his head. Guilt flooded his body, threatening to dissolve him from the inside out. 

He caught a flicker of movement out of the corner of his eye, and was shocked to see Rachel walking by. “Wait, why is Rachel here?”

“She and Patrick are married. She came to Schitt’s Creek to win him back, and he left with her. When they got to Elm Grove he proposed to her a second time and they were married the following September.”

“No, that’s where you’re wrong, finally.” David started talking faster. He had a glimmer of hope that he had discovered a loophole in Kariel’s plan to dismantle his marriage. “Patrick told her he was gay when she showed up in Schitt’s Creek. She came to the barbecue, and he told her he was gay. She was the first person from his previous life that he came out to.”

“David, there was no barbecue. That was a celebration of your four month anniversary with Patrick. And that never happened.” Kariel put a comforting hand on David’s shoulder. “Patrick was lost and confused. He hadn’t formed strong roots in Schitt’s Creek, so when Rachel showed up it was easy to fall back into the relationship.” 

David heard the front door open. He quickly retraced his steps through the house until he was back in the foyer. Patrick was taking off his overcoat and slipping out of his shoes. When he turned around David could see how much he had changed. His belly was full and round, his skin was paler than usual, and he had dark circles under his eyes. He looked tired.

“Hi, honey,” he said as he gave Rachel a quick kiss. 

David reached for him but then pulled his hand back. “He’s different.”

“He’s under an enormous amount of stress and works long hours, sometimes up to eighty hours a week. That doesn’t leave him a lot of time for hiking and sports, so he’s not getting much exercise anymore. He’s been drinking a lot.” Kariel walked over to the clock hanging on the wall across from the door. He moved the hands three hours forward. David watched as the late afternoon sun set in a matter of minutes, the sky became completely dark, and the street lights switched on.

The house was dark except for a bluish light coming from the living room. He could hear the dialogue from some nondescript crime procedural drama. He and Kariel walked to the living room and David stopped in the doorway. Getting any closer suddenly felt like an invasion of Patrick’s privacy.

Rachel was sitting on the couch, her legs drawn up under her, scrolling idly through her phone. She wasn’t paying any attention to the television. Patrick was sitting in an armchair nearby. He had a vacant look in his eyes and was staring at the TV screen. He only moved to take sips from the beer bottle that he gripped loosely in his right hand.

David frowned. “Is he happy?”

“He doesn’t know any better. He thinks this is all there is. He’s wealthy, has a high-profile job, a beautiful wife, a big house, two cars. This is what he’s been taught to want all his life. Sometimes, late at night when he knows Rachel is asleep, he allows himself to cry. He feels hollow. He knows something is missing but he can’t put his finger on it.”

“Doesn’t he realize he’s gay?” He looked at Kariel imploringly. _Please let me know that he discovers this about himself so that he has a chance at real happiness._

“He’s pushing those feelings down. You were the one who gave him the courage to find his true self. Without you, it’s been easy for him to hide that truth from himself and everyone around him.”

David stumbled into the dining room, fell into one of the chairs, buried his face in his hands, and started to sob.

“Haven’t you put it together yet, David? You meeting Patrick wasn’t some random occurrence. I’d been orchestrating that meeting for almost twenty-five years. I made sure your father bought Schitt’s Creek so that your family would have a place to go when you lost your money. Johnny hired Eli because of me. The Rose Video empire had to collapse so that all of you could grow as individuals. When it was time for Patrick to run away from Elm Grove, I made sure he took a detour through Schitt’s Creek by washing out a bridge on his original route. He stopped in Schitt’s Creek on his own, but I was ready to overheat his car engine if I needed to.

“When you and Patrick met it saved both of you from deeply unfulfilling lives. Why do you think I worked so hard to make it happen?” Kariel’s voice was soft and compassionate. “But ultimately, all I could do was put you in each other’s paths. What happened after that was up to you. I couldn’t force you to fall in love. Just like I can’t force you to fully accept Patrick into your heart. After being in love with Patrick for almost four years you decided it would have been better if the two of you had never met.”

Kariel placed his hand gently on David’s shoulder. “I love you, David. I wanted you to be able to see this so that you would understand. When you wake up tomorrow, you’ll have forgotten Patrick so that you can live in this reality without being haunted by the past.”

“No!” David opened his eyes. He was sitting on a bed in a small studio apartment with black and white decor. This had to be his apartment in New York, where he lived a lonely existence without Patrick. He stood in front of Kariel and took him by the shoulders. “I don’t want to forget Patrick! I don’t want to live in this reality! I want to be married again. You did this, you can undo it.”

Kariel shook his head and cradled David’s jaw in his hand. “Only you can undo it”. And then he was gone. 

“HOW?” he screamed into the empty room. “How do I undo it?” He curled up in the bed and pulled the sheet up to his chin. His tears soaked the black and white pillowcase. “Please bring Patrick back to me,” he whispered, even though he knew that just pleading wasn’t going to reverse what had happened. David sniffed and rolled onto his back. The answer had to be here somewhere. Kariel’s words resonated in David’s mind. 

_“I wanted you to see this so that you would understand.”_

Why torture him by showing him that somehow he messed up his marriage and now both of them were unhappy? It was no surprise that his life had crashed and burned without Patrick. He had always known the effect Patrick had on him. Everyone could see how much he had grown and changed since he had fallen in love.

It was Patrick’s life in this new reality that surprised him. Granted, Patrick hadn’t fallen as spectacularly as David had, but despite the outward signs of his success he wasn’t happy or fulfilled. David had always seen Patrick as perfect. Now he looked over the last four years with fresh eyes. Patrick _had_ changed since he met David. He could see that Patrick had become stronger and more self-aware. He was so much better at facing difficult situations head-on rather than avoiding them and hoping they would fade away on their own. He was confident, and proud of who he was.

At long last David was willing to concede that both of them had grown and benefited because of their relationship. He looked around. He was still in the apartment in New York, so although that realization felt important it hadn’t brought Patrick back.

Something else that Kariel had said echoed in his mind. _“I can’t force you to fully accept Patrick into your heart.”_

But he had accepted Patrick. He married him! What did Kariel mean by this? David searched his heart and found the armor around its core, the deepest part of his being that he had locked away and granted no one access to. It was where his essence was housed, raw and vulnerable. He had always been afraid to let anyone know this part of him, to see him for what he really was. But Patrick was his husband, the most important person in the world. The person he loved. Why hadn’t he let him in?

_(Because you’re not worthy of his love)_

That belief seeped into his consciousness like black ink, leaving an indelible stain on his spirit. He hadn’t been able to let Patrick in because he didn’t believe he deserved someone as good and as caring as Patrick. He didn’t believe he was worthy of love. He could see it now. Marriage was about more than just giving unconditional love. It was being able to receive it as well.

Patrick deserved better than the life he lived in this reality. He deserved to find happiness living an authentic life as a gay man. But more than that he deserved to be with a man who knew he was worthy of all the love that Patrick had to offer. David wasn’t sure he was that man. Even if he was, it wasn’t how he’d been living. That’s how he had failed Patrick.

He drew in a shaky breath, trying to muster up the courage for the greatest act of love he could imagine in that moment - letting Patrick go.

“I would give anything for him to be happy again, even if it meant I had to stay here. Please Kariel, I’ll sacrifice my happiness so that Patrick can have his.” 

David was exhausted. He was fighting sleep because he wanted to hold onto his memories of Patrick for as long as possible. But at the same time, he didn’t think he could survive another second feeling the excruciating ache in his heart from losing his husband. His mind wandered back to the song that ran through his head while he and Patrick drove to work that morning, a car ride that seemed like it took place years, rather than hours, ago.

_Maybe this is wishful thinking_

_Probably mindless dreaming_

_But if we loved again, I swear I’d love you right._

_I’d go back in time and change it,_

_But I can’t._

He uttered what he knew would be the final words of his life as he knew it. “Good bye, Patrick. I’m so sorry. I love you.” When sleep finally started to overtake him, he surrendered to it. 

\------

David woke up with a sudden jolt, almost as if he had fallen onto the bed. He was disoriented, but he knew someone was in bed with him. He fumbled with his bedside lamp, almost knocking it over before it finally clicked on. His four gold engagement rings were sitting on the nightstand. He looked at his left hand and saw his wedding band. Most importantly, he saw that Patrick was lying next to him, and starting to wake up because of the movement and the light.

“David? What time is it?” Patrick was groggy and squinting as his eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness in the room.

“It’s late. Patrick, are you happy?” David knew his voice sounded desperate but he had to know for sure that he was really back.

“I was happier two minutes ago when the room was dark and I was asleep at …” Patrick reached for his alarm clock and turned it to face him. “3 AM? David, what’s going on?”

“Patrick, this is important! Are you happy? With me?”

Patrick pushed himself up until he was seated against the headboard next to David. He removed his nasal dilator and mouthguard, placed them on the nightstand, and then wrapped his arm around David’s shoulder. “Yes, I’m happy. I’ve never been happier.”

“I’m so thankful I met you.” David rested his head on Patrick’s shoulder. “I love the life we’ve built here together. I just want you to love it too. And not have any regrets about the life you might have led if you hadn’t met me.” 

“Regrets? What makes you think that the life we have isn’t exactly what I’ve always wanted? All I’ve ever dreamed of was being lucky enough to have a reason to get up every morning, to be a part of something I believed in, and to do it all with a person I loved.”

David slung his arm around Patrick’s waist. He felt the need to be holding Patrick when he asked his next question. “When Lila asked you about whether we were going to have children, you told her _we_ had decided not to. But we both know that was my decision. You had mentioned once that you saw yourself with a family one day. Are you sure you’re okay with us not adopting a child?”

Patrick kissed the top of David’s head. “Yes. I’m sure. David, I imagined myself with a family when I still thought I would end up marrying a woman. It was part of the future that other people had planned for me. But I don’t have a burning need to raise a child. It would only be something I was interested in if you were interested, too.”

“Okay.” David brought his hand up so that it was resting on Patrick’s heart. He felt his heartbeat, strong and steady, and it calmed him a bit. “I’m sorry about the leaking pipe. I should’ve taken care of it right when I saw it. And now we have to spend money on a lot of damage that could’ve been prevented. I know that you were really frustrated with me this morning.”

“Is that what all of this is about?” Patrick’s voice was mild and reassuring. “Just because I get frustrated doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Two people who work and live together are always going to have frustrations to work through. But I’ll always want to work through them with you.” Patrick gently raised David’s chin so that he could look him in the eye. “David Rose, I’m better off for having met you. Please don’t ever doubt that.”

“But I have doubted it...in the past. Sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve you.”

“David, you’re an amazing man. You’re smart, creative, loyal. I know you feel things very deeply, even though you want everyone to think you’re cool and aloof. And you happen to be the most courageous person I’ve ever met. You have always been unapologetically _you_. Do you know how inspiring that is?” Patrick brought his other arm up to David’s shoulder and pulled him into a side hug. “But even if you didn’t have all of that going for you, you would still deserve love, and I would still be the person that wanted to love you.”

Tears were streaming down David’s face. “Why?” His voice was barely a whisper.

“Because I see you. I see your soul. And it is beautiful.” Patrick leaned forward and pressed a soft, tender kiss to David’s lips.

“I love you, Patrick. And I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how much.” 

“Good. Then today was just the first of a lifetime of anniversaries for us.”

David looked into Patrick’s eyes. For the first time he saw himself the way Patrick did: flawed, imperfect, but still loveable.

_Let him in_.

The sincerity and devotion in Patrick’s gaze made him feel safe. He wasn’t going to abscond in the night and leave David bereft of love. 

_Let him in._

Patrick smiled and wiped a tear from David’s eye with his thumb. And it was that simple act of affection that broke through the last protective layer over David’s heart. He felt it crumble and fall away as his heart expanded and made room for Patrick. In that moment, David was finally able to fully accept Patrick’s love, until it filled every recess in his soul and drove out any doubts about both of them being exactly where they were always meant to be. 

The bulb in his bedside lamp made a buzzing noise and dimmed for a few seconds before returning to its full intensity.

They both let out a nervous chuckle. “That was weird,” Patrick said.

David waved it off. “It’s time to go back to sleep anyway.” He rolled to his side and switched off the light. Patrick moved up behind him and put his arm around his waist. David placed his hand over Patrick’s. “Happy Anniversary, honey.”

“Happy Anniversary,” Patrick mumbled back, “Love you.”

“Love you too.” David closed his eyes and just focused on the warmth of his husband and the sound of his breathing as it became slow and even. "Thank you, Kariel,” he whispered before falling into a sound, restful sleep. 

It had turned out to be a pretty perfect anniversary after all.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics quoted in the story are from “Back To December” by Taylor Swift.
> 
> Kariel is an anagram of Klaire/Claire/Clare: Alexis’s middle name and the name of Noah Reid’s wife. Many angelic names end with “-iel”.


End file.
